drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
