i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
