My room smells like vodka and shame
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
