i need an iv and a liver transplant
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize