You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
