And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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