i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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