just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
