you have to choose: penises or morals?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
