Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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