omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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