Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
