If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Fuck appropriateness.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
