Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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