This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My liver is preforming stress tests.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
