Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
