When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
