Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
