he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
