She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
