So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
