Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
