I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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