i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
