I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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