Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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