How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
