Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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