My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
