I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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