She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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