I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
