I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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