I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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