If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize