Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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