I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
