She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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