So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
