some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
True strength comes from lack of pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
