I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
