Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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