I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
