i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
And then he peed in my hair
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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