Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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