So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
