just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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