Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
