On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
