Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This is the high leading the old right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
there is glitter all over my balls
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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