careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
