How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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