apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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