Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Hippo gnu deer
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
