Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
