At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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