Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
