the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
