you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
