You work out of a Hotel?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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