I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
