Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
