somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
