I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
