Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
