You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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